Now playing in Seattle, WA.
I needed help to heal my grieving heart. I needed someone with whom I could be absolutely honest about how I was feeling and dealing with the miscarriage. I was also coming to the conclusion that my marriage is slowly dimming out. I wanted to lean on someone, unburden myself, and I found support in a very good therapist. She helped me normalize the pain. I could share my angst when I saw a colleague's baby shower, my random breakdowns, my need to appear calm and composed at work when every ounce of my body was shattering. She helped me by listening in a non-judgmental way, helped me stay balanced at a time when I could have very easily sunk into the despair of self misery. She made it OK for me to just be.
Never underestimate the power of a good therapist. They are worth the time and money.
I underwent a fundamental shift in three transformative ways (a) I made my health a number one priority (b) I accepted and gradually unmasked my true self (c) I am less judgmental of myself and others.
Being healthy:
I interpreted miscarriage as a violent attempt by my body. It almost felt like the body got threatened by a new life. I sensed my body is not in my control, and I wanted to get control of it. So, I went looking for answers from the folks who know best, a.k.a doctors. Full health check-up revealed that I have type 2 diabetes (A1C was 7.5 vs <5.7). I am also obese at 183 lbs/83 kgs. The good news was that diabetes is reversible if I could lose weight, maintain a healthy diet, and take medications. So reversing diabetes became my number one priority. By end of Feb, I joined a gym and engaged a personal trainer to help me lose weight. My goal was to lose 40 lbs/18 kgs (4 lbs/month) by end of the year by working out 5 days a week and eating healthy.
And then COVID-19 struck the world and everything normal was upended. Offices were shut down, gyms closed, and the entire world got cooped into their apartments/homes. I had to stop working out with the trainer within 3 weeks of starting and then gradually my apartment gym was closed as well. With no place to work out, I started walking on my deck for an hour every day. In August, when I saw my Dr for a 6-month follow-up check-up, I had lost 12.3 lbs/5.6 kgs (wt 170.7 lbs/77.4) and my A1C was lowered to 6.0. I had successfully moved away from diabetes to pre-diabetes and from being obese to overweight. By the end of the year, in 10 months, I had lost 16 lbs/7.3 kgs (weight as of 31st Dec 2020: 167.4 lbs/75.9 kgs). Although I did not meet my original goal, I am still proud that I was able to make significant progress during a world pandemic without access to gyms/training.
I took my vitamins, prescription medication, and herbal supplements (neem and karela) every day.
Every year I get my eyes tested and see a dentist every 6 months for a routine check-up. This year, even in midst of a pandemic, I wanted to keep these practices going and established access to an ophthalmologist and a dentist (new city, new doctors!). Nothing unexpected with the eyesight, although the dentist nudged me to remove the remaining wisdom teeth and I finally found the courage to undergo the procedure.
I continued the daily practice of Shambhavi Mahamudra and Transcendental Meditation.
There is a deep connection between body and mind. What happens to the body affects the mind, and what goes on in the mind affects the body. Hence mental well-being is as important as physical well-being, something that I have realized people don't pay attention to.
Take care of your mental health.
My periods were out of whack again (60-day cycle), and this time instead of just ignoring it or taking medication, I decided to try acupuncture. I found a very good Chinese doctor and started seeing her once every week for 6 months. As a result, my cycle got normalized from a whacky 60 days to 35 days. When health is a priority, every aspect of being healthy should be important. It is very important to seek the best possible doctors and they are always worth the money.
When it comes to health, get the best possible treatment you can afford. Do not compromise.
Self-acceptance/self-realization
"Never be afraid of who you are." said the wise Jedi. It took me many years to accept myself, and when I finally did, I found the courage to tell the people closest to me. Some understood some pretended not to have heard, and some supported. It did cause pain and confusion, but it also unlocked me. A stone got lifted off the butterfly, and she is finally free. Free from herself to be herself.
Since a very young age, I have wondered about BIG questions like "What is the meaning and purpose of life"? "Is there God?", "Who/what am I?". These questions have ebbed and flowed in the daily currents of life, and I have always been drawn to philosophy in the hopes that someday I will uncover the truth. Living in the west, it was very natural that I started with the western school of philosophy. This year, I spent time with the stoics (reading Marcus Aurelius and Seneca) and Chinese philosophers (Confucius and Daoism) but it didn't satisfy my thirst. By complete randomness (or was it?, reading CAVE by Alok Kajeriwal led me to Autobiography of a Yogi, which eventually led me to read Complete Works by Swami Vivekananda) I landed on Advait Vedanta (thanks to Swami Vivekananda), and for the first time it feels like I am home. It's been only a month since I have started studying Advait Vedanta, but the more I study the more I realize this is what I have been searching for. It is true, all the answers are in the Vedas. (as a Hindu, I am almost embarrassed that I didn't start with the Vedas. Bible was the very first religious book that I read back in the convent school where I was educated and I also briefly studied Islam, but Vedas have always been, I don't know why, out of my purview). I am still scrapping, discovering, excavating, and will write a follow up sometime in the future.
Being less judgemental
This comes from the realization that we all truly do our best from the lens of our individual experiences, beliefs, and context. When a close friend wanted to get an abortion, I was able to suppress the impulse of being judgemental and be supportive by listening and being there for her. Our impulse in any situation is to react, but if we can slow down that impulse perhaps we can be less judgemental and more open, supportive, and kind.
Other happennings:
Worldwide Pandemic: COVID-19- more than 2 million people have died due to this virus, and throughout the year we got news of either a distant relative or friend passing away, but all my closest family and friends are healthy and safe, and that is truly a blessing I am grateful for. We have been working from home/social distancing since March 2020 and it is expected we will continue to do so at least until June 2021 (1.5 yrs of working from home!). I FaceTimed more with my friends this year than I have ever done before, which was good.
Reading: As a result of being home more, I read quite voraciously this year. Conciously I wanted to read more woman writers and was happy to stumble upon Pearl Buck, Toni Morrison, and Corrie ten Boom. At the end of this post is a list of books that I bought and read this year.
Traveling: due to the worldwide pandemic the travel was restricted, but we did manage to sneak in a weekend trip to Olympic National Park (saw Roosevelt Elk at Hoh Rain forest and experienced the mist at the Ruby Beach). This year was filled with day hikes, something you have to do if you live in Pacific North West US! ( hiked Poo poo point, Twin falls, and a couple of others). For the first time in my life, I was able to complete a hike and not give up halfway around. Then in October we found a Hobbit-style cottage in Oregon and drove 4 hours just to be faced with the worst experience ever. The house was completely remote, and we got stuck in the snow and had to call a plow truck to rescue us (lesson learned: never travel to remote places during winter. Stick to warmer places)
New learnings: I learned oil painintg but the classes had to stop due to pandemic. Took an online course on Rumi, and realized the oneness in his poetry with Mira Bai's devotion to Krishna. Also learned how to make scented candles and shared with few freinds and family. Towards the end of the year, I enrolled in Archery classes and currently learning this new sport.
Work: completed one year, worked in two different teams under 5 different mangers. It sounds quite a whirlwind, but honestly it was more peaceful than 2019. I am feeling more settled, working on few impactful projects and my manager is supportive and a good person. For now, this is enough.
Up next:
I think 2020 marked a beginning of inner transformation, that will continue to be a major theme rest of my life.
An image is emerging in my consciousness of how I want to spend my life which is centered around being unselfish, unattached, and dispassionate. It's not fully formed but is only a silhouette and I will write more as I learn more.
Below is the list of books I read in 2020:
1.
Letters from a Stoic
2.
A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of
Stoic Joy
3.
A Game of Thrones (bought 5 books, and by book
2.5 I was so disgusted by the author’s writing style that I donated the books to
Goodwill).
8
Pere Goriot
9
Two Lives: Gertrude and Alice
10
Bradbury Stories
11
Good Earth- Pearl Buck
12
There Daughters of Madame Liang
13
Aimless Love: New and Selected Poems
14
Sailing Alone Around the Room
15
Poetry 180: A Turning Back to Poetry
16
The Travels: Marco Polo
17
The Color Purple: A Novel- Alice Walker
18
Meditations- Marcus Aurelius
19
Blindness- Jose Saramago
20
Beloved- Toni Morrison
21
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
22
As One Is: To Free the Mind from all
Conditioning
23
Freedom from the Known
24
The Book of Life
25
Radical Love: Teachings from the Islamic
Mystical Tradition (Safi Omid)
26
Listen: Commentary on the Spiritual Couplets of
Mevlana Rumi (Kenan Rifai)
27
Rending the Viel
28
Diary of a Nobody
29
Things Fall Apart
30
A Gentleman in Moscow
31
The Choice: Embrace the Possible
32
The Ride of a Lifetime
33
The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom (best book I
read this year)
34
Great Expectations
35
Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu
36
The Brain: The Story of You
37
Amish Tripathi's Shiva Trilogy (Nagas)
38
Amish Tripathi's Shiva Trilogy (Mehula)
39
Amish Tripathi's Shiva Trilogy (Oath of the
Vayuputras)
40
The Cave by Alok Kejriwal
41
Autobiography of a Yogi
42
The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda (9
volumes, 1.5 read)
51.
The Bhagavad Gita by Swami Sivananda (currently
reading)
52. Wonders of the World
53. A Dominant Character: The Radical Science and Restless Politics of J.B.S. Haldane (partially read)
54.
The Analects- Confucius (partially read)
55.
Total Archery- Inside the Archer (partially
read)
56.
Greatest Works of Rabindranath Tagore (partially
read)
57.
Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and
Worst (partially read)
58.
A Tale of Two Cities (partially read)
59.
The Human Comedy by Honore de Balzac (partially
read)
60.
Promise Land by Barack Obama (partially read)
61.
Eugene Onegin- Pushkin (partially read)
62.
Cloud Atlas (partially read)
63.
Beyond the Last Blue Mountain (unread)
64.
Think on These Things (unread)
65.
Incendiary Art: Poems (unread)
66.
Amish Tripathi's Ram (unread)
67.
Amish Tripathi's Sita (unread)
68.
Amish Tripathi's Ravan (unread)
69.
Brahma Sutra Bhasya of Shankaracharya (unread)
Read 42 (61%) or 3.5 books per month.
Partially read: 10
Unread: 17
Total:
69
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